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• Jailed Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich denied detention appeal in Moscow
• Putin visits Russian troops at military headquarters in Kherson
• Watch moment WSJ journalist appears in Russian court
Your 401(k) doesn't have a political affiliation, and history shows why making emotional investment decisions after midterm elections can backfire.
Supreme Court will hear a case challenging Montgomery County's magnet school admissions policy designed to cut Asian-American enrollment.
OpenAI's Sam Altman named energy as his biggest challenge at ADIPEC 2026, where Abu Dhabi unveiled ambitious AI partnerships with ADNOC and G42.
Abdi Daisane's Blooming Kids Child Care Center in St. Cloud received millions in state and federal funding and has faced multiple violations.
The midterms Blue Tsunami flipped Texas statewide for the first time since 1992 and saw Kansas elect a Democratic senator for the first time in 94 years.
The DOJ's lawsuit accuses Pennsylvania State University of offering undocumented students in-state tuition rates that discriminate against U.S. citizens.
Wisconsin's health officials announced an infant's measles-associated death, marking the state's first in 36 years, amid 431 cases in 13 counties.
A suspect trying to board an RTD bus near Denver opened fire on Lakewood police officers, killing one and wounding three others Thursday evening.
The National Capital Planning Commission had approved construction for President Trump's proposed triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., hours before the restraining order was issued.
Joe Fagnano's first NFL start turned ugly as the Jacksonville Jaguars routed the Baltimore Ravens 33-10, exposing a quarterback crisis in Baltimore.
Satire
WASHINGTON—Exhibiting a growing sense of panic as screens lit up with rumors and speculation about potential candidates, the nation reportedly watched helplessly Wednesday as the 2028 election cycle began. “Oh God, no, it’s not even 2027 yet—what do you mean people are talking about 2028?”
WASHINGTON—Their raucous cheers plunging to near pin-drop silence in a manner of seconds, presumptive Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) delivered a victory speech Tuesday night to a previously enthusiastic crowd. Sources told reporters that elated Democrats had been clapping, shouting,
Turn those frowns upside down, everyone! Even though the Democrats won sweeping victories across the country in the midterms, it's not all bad news out there. Believe it or not, there might even be some good things that come out of it.
HELL — In a small and private ceremony, the Prince of Darkness himself ceded his title of "Eternal Supreme Lord of Evil and Darkness" to a Reddit mod named Brayden.
The post Today’s Historic Front Page: November 4, 2026 appeared first on The Onion.
The post Haley Stevens High-Fiving Everyone At El-Sayed Victory Party Like Nothing Happened appeared first on The Onion.
EL PASO, TX — After the political winds ushered in sweeping changes to the Lone Star State last night, with radical Democrats taking power in what had been a staunchly conservative stronghold, millions of Texans were seen crossing the Rio Grande into Mexico.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans overwhelmingly voted blue on Election Day in a clear rebuke of Trump's inability to name more lakes after the United States.
U.S. — Fresh off a wave of overwhelming victories in Tuesday's midterm elections, Democrats were reportedly not sure what they were supposed to do now with all the fake ballots they had stored up.
The post Abdul El-Sayed Makes History As First Physically Healthy Senator appeared first on The Onion.
HEAVEN — In a major clarification that has sent waves of relief through exhausted households worldwide, heaven confirmed Thursday that skipping paragraphs or even full pages of a child's bedtime story does not constitute a sin.
U.S. — Americans despondent over the results of the 2026 midterm elections breathed a sigh of relief on Wednesday morning as news broke that Elon Musk had purchased the United States.
U.S. — The state of California has officially annexed the state formerly known as Texas.
BOSTON—Praising the artificial intelligence tool for its increasingly important role in shaping his coaching decisions, Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla revealed Tuesday that he had been using Claude to investigate why Jordan Walsh’s hair was like that. “Hello, Claude. Please generate an
Gina Billings, 64, died of unknown causes, but since her head is still attached to her body, beheading can almost certainly be ruled out.
The post Gina Billings appeared first on The Onion.
Jasper Collins, 59, died suddenly Tuesday, completely ruining his business partner’s plans to make him the fall guy.
The post Jasper Collins appeared first on The Onion.
Jimmy Chiarella, 72, died Wednesday after being the last one to say “not it.”
The post Jimmy Chiarella appeared first on The Onion.
The Loyola High class of 2003 got it right when they voted Julie Marks, 41, most likely to die by ciguatera fish poisoning.
The post Julie Marks appeared first on The Onion.
Sports
RB Leipzig winger Antonio Nusa is being tracked by Arsenal ahead of the January transfer window. Transfer Talk has the latest.
Bo Naylor testified Thursday that he didn't think there was anything unusual about the pitches Emmanuel Clase or Luis Ortiz are accused of rigging.
Hollywood Smothers will miss the rest of the season for the Longhorns, who are seeing their injury issues mount.
The Jaguars racked up their fourth win by 23 or more points this season in Thursday night's 33-10 rout of the Ravens and believe there's room to be even better.
Chiefs wide receiver Rashee Rice filed for bankruptcy in federal court, claiming he has more than $3.45 million in debts.
Michigan scored the highest-ranked win in program history, stunning No. 2 UConn 77-66 on Thursday in the first matchup of top-five women's teams at Crisler Center.
LIV Golf confirmed it is winding down operations after the league couldn't get the necessary financial commitment and player support to proceed with LIV 2.0.
Saint Louis forward Robbie Avila, the Atlantic 10 Player of the Year, was granted a preliminary injunction Thursday to play a fifth season of college basketball for the Billikens.
No. 9 LSU cruised to a 131-22 win over Texas Southern, the largest win in Division I history against a Division I opponent
The New York Knicks' star made his "Law & Order: SVU" appearance official Thursday.
Joe Fagnano never got going against the Jaguars, who delivered a blowout win over the Ravens.
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As Philip Rivers emerges as a candidate at NC State, college football's obsession with rockstar coaches raises a question: Does celebrity ever translate to sustained success?
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As Rob Gronkowski enters the Patriots' Hall of Fame, we look back at where it all began to unearth the birth of the legend of "The Gronk."
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Tom Brady shared four players he believes are vying for the NFL MVP award.
Books and bettors alike are pumped for the Miami-Notre Dame showdown. Patrick Everson breaks down the action on the weekend's biggest games.
Tech
Airbnb is developing an AI travel agent that it says will eventually be able to help plan your whole trip.
Every VPN says it’s the best, but only some of them are telling the truth.
I found discounts of up to half off some of the top WIRED-tested TVs.
This week on “Uncanny Valley,” we discuss the historic blue wave that swept the midterms and delivered a rebuke to the Trump administration, Big Tech, and data centers.
Repairs have been slow after an explosion earlier this year.
Over 670,000 units are being recalled in the US and Canada.
As Anthropic maintains its vow to keep ads out of Claude, the rest of the AI chatbot industry is racing to win over advertisers without antagonizing users.
The company is going all-in on Antigravity and Google AI Studio and hopes developers will do the same.
Massive Effect: The BioWare Story started filming two years before EA shut down the studio.
Get a head start on holiday shopping with discounts on WIRED-tested headphones, laptops, and TVs.
It offers exclusive deals and other goodies.
More than 80 percent of congressional candidates backed by the pro-science PAC 314 Action won, including Michigan senator-elect and epidemiologist Abdul El-Sayed.
The updated app, rolling out to Xbox Insiders first, launches up to 60 percent faster.
"Intelligent Eyewear" is apparently only a week away.
Seems about time for an upgrade.
Assembly Bill 1709 demands that platforms remove "psychologically exploitative features."
Alexis Ohanian is trying to figure out what’s next for user-generated content now that so much of the internet is “compromised.”
A day after the US midterm elections gave Democrats control of Congress, Onion CEO Ben Collins and comedian Patti Harrison spoke to WIRED about the salve of satire during politically fraught times.
The startup Aina bets you won’t need to rely on your phone to control virtual assistants. It’s making a smart ring that lets you control the actions of your autonomous agents with one tap.
The new OLED MacBook Pro comes with an incredible-looking touchscreen display—and an equally eye-popping price.
Entertainment
Offset's got a love-hate relationship with casinos ... he got shot at one, owes another a ton of money, and got into a shouting match at another ... but he leaned into all the drama for a new music video. We got the rapper at LAX on Thursday, and…
Calling all you mighty Millennials, ballin' Boomers, groovy Gen X-ers, and everyone else ... we're tappin' y'all into Gen Z's hottest stories of the week, packed with sexy stars and piping-hot news! Tap-In to the gallery ... we're spillin' it…
American actress and singer Sissy Spacek was in her mid-20s when she played Carrie -- the shy high school girl with telekinetic powers -- in the 1976 horror/mystery film "Carrie." Joining Sissy on set were John Travolta, Piper Laurie and Amy…
Russell Brand may be locked up for quite a while ... at least what the chair of the Bar Council says. Kirsty Brimelow told Sky News the actor was looking at "between six and nine years" in prison for his crimes. As we previously reported, the actor…
Jen Affleck's got a strong support system in her 'Mormon Wives' castmates in the wake of her divorce. The same day news broke that she's throwing in the towel on her marriage to Zac Affleck ... Jen put on a smile for the 'Secret Lives of Mormon…
It's certainly gonna be a star-studded lineup at Coachella next year ... because TMZ has learned Adéla and Don Toliver are expected to perform. Sources close to the festival tell TMZ ... Adéla and Don Toliver will be headed to the desert in April…
Actor Dean Norris and his estranged wife’s compensation and other financial details were revealed in their restaurant’s bankruptcy ... TMZ has learned. Swing Inn Cafe, the restaurant Dean and his estranged wife, Bridget Norris, purchased in…
A detective says Russell Brand is still a danger to women ... despite how charismatic his public persona may be. Sky News asked Detective Superintendent Andy Furphy -- who oversaw the investigation in Brand's sexual assault case -- if he believes…
"90 Day Fiancé" star Rick Van Vactor was arrested following an alleged domestic violence incident involving his new girlfriend ... but sources close to him claim he was actually defending himself. A source with direct knowledge tells TMZ ... Rick…
Rashee Rice has another major headache off the football field ... the Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver has filed for bankruptcy, claiming he's more than $3.45 million in debt. According to court records cited by ESPN, Rice filed for Chapter 7…
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