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• Jailed Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich denied detention appeal in Moscow
• Putin visits Russian troops at military headquarters in Kherson
• Watch moment WSJ journalist appears in Russian court
K-9 Ace, the Polk County German shepherd who lost a leg shielding three deputies, made an emotional return to the sheriff's office after recovering ahead of retirement.
The Democratic Party's progressive wing faces critical tests in Upper Midwest primaries as Peggy Flanagan battles Angie Craig for Minnesota's Senate nod.
Five 17-year-old boys from Grand Junction, Colorado, died when their vehicle plunged off a cliff along Lookout Lane, with speed being investigated as a possible factor.
Lindsay Clancy's murder trial heard desperate messages she sent about intrusive thoughts and medication changes weeks before killing her three children.
Ilhan Omar faced four challengers in Minnesota's 5th Congressional District Democratic primary as affordable housing and public safety dominated.
Peggy Flanagan defeated Angie Craig in Minnesota's Democratic primary, backed by Bernie Sanders and Ilhan Omar in a growing progressive proxy war.
Minnesota House Speaker Lisa Demuth beat Trump-backed MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell for the GOP governor nomination to replace outgoing Gov. Tim Walz.
Joey Maguire says Texas Tech has been told no by USC, Texas A&M, NC State and others despite seeking top-tier non-conference schedule opponents.
Vermont Democrats pick their nominee to challenge Republican Gov. Phil Scott, who is seeking a sixth term as the dark-blue state's longest-serving governor.
Kelsey Mitchell scored 28 points and Caitlin Clark posted 22 points and 10 assists as the Indiana Fever shot 79% from three in a dominant first half.
Satire
TALLAHASSEE, FL — With recent data showing a marked decrease in crime across the Sunshine State, Florida officials credited its record-low crime rate to having chased away all the Democrats.
NOT SATIRE: Stop the Doom Scroll: Share Jesus
WOODSTOCK, ME — Podcast host Tucker Carlson reportedly deflected blame over dirty dishes left in his kitchen sink on Tuesday, notifying his wife that they were placed there by Israel.
DALLAS, TX — Local driver and overachiever Ethan Harper reportedly showed off an insufferable level of perfectionism during his morning commute on Tuesday by intentionally using his vehicle's turn signal before changing lanes.
BOSTON, MA — Governor Maura Healey signed into law House Bill 5595 this morning, legalizing abortion in the state of Massachusetts up until a child enters Kindergarten.
U.S. — A new study from the New York Sports Science Laboratory demonstrated that the NFL's new concussion-prevention helmets were proven to be 100% effective at keeping players from looking cool.
ARCHERON (LV-426) — A grotesque creature scientists identified as a Xenomorph Queen reportedly elected to freeze its eggs until such time as it becomes "emotionally ready" to have offspring.
U.S. — The Democratic Party announced on Tuesday that U.S. citizens were not allowed to remember all those things the party said and did just a few years ago.
LOS ANGELES—Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. “I’m just wondering if you guys have your own version of
ANN ARBOR, MI—In an effort to irritate the recent winner of Michigan’s Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night, a spiteful American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud bird directly outside the window of Abdul El
WASHINGTON—After the nation gamely took another bite in an attempt to place the elusive flavor, the entire U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday that it was detecting…cardamom? “I’m definitely getting some nice, almost floral spice on the finish, not quite anise, but something in that neck of the
Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife.
The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.
NEW YORK—Calling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good time–resistant supernarcs. “Over the past decade, we’ve witnessed the emergence of narcs that are able
BLOOMFIELD, CA—Saying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub jet. Shortly after his release, Webb reporte
LOS ANGELES—In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. “I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow filmmakers, but this film was largely made using humans,” said Roth, who confir
Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough savings to survive for the six days until you
The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think?
The post Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems appeared first on The Onion.
PHOENIX—Horror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources confirmed. “My legs nearly buckled out from under me
Sports
Bears safety Coby Bryant underwent knee surgery and is expected to miss four to six months, coach Ben Johnson announced Tuesday.
Fever coach Stephanie White spoke out against her critics and received vocal support from Caitlin Clark and Sophie Cunningham after she was booed in Indiana before Tuesday's win over the Liberty.
A high school football player in Arkansas unknowingly wore a helmet with a venomous snake inside it for nearly an hour before discovering the unwelcome intruder.
Who is rising and falling in every major league farm system after the trade deadline? Kiley McDaniel digs in.
Blake Snell struck out seven of the first 10 batters he faced Tuesday night before giving up back-to-back hits in his return to the mound for the Dodgers after being sidelined for three months with loose bodies in his left elbow.
A Texas judge backed a decision to remove a Tulsa, Oklahoma, team from the Southwest Region and keep it from playing in Tuesday's title game for a spot in the Little League Baseball World Series, according to a statement from a Little League spokesperson.
Warriors GM Mike Dunleavy expressed confidence once again that Stephen Curry -- who is on an expiring deal this season -- will remain with the Warriors until he retires.
CBS Sports president David Berson said Tuesday that there is "no timetable" on the future of NFL analyst Tony Romo after Romo's arrest on suspicion of operating a vehicle while under the influence.
Catcher Adley Rutschman, who was acquired at last week's trade deadline, made his debut for the Red Sox on Tuesday night, collecting a single and two walks in Boston's 5-3 loss to the Blue Jays in Toronto.
Arsenal are reportedly looking at a possible move for Barcelona defender Jules Koundé. Transfer Talk has the latest.
The Minnesota Vikings have chosen Kyler Murray as their starting quarterback over J.J. McCarthy.
The Yankees can't really hit right now, but they're staying afloat thanks to pitching and a talented rookie shortstop.
Danny Parkins of First Things First shares his list of the top 10 most exciting NFL players entering the 2026 season.
Nick Wright revealed the first edition of "Mahomes Mountain" NFL QB power rankings on First Things First.
Here's what you need to know from Tuesday around the NFL.
There's a lot to like about the new-look Jets, who could be a much-improved team ... if only they had a viable quarterback. Their practice against the Bucs showed that they still don't.
Colin Cowherd breaks down the NFC North division race, picking the Detroit Lions to win the division while highlighting the Chicago Bears led by Ben Johnson and Caleb Williams.
It might not matter much to some, but bettors are keeping track of how head coaches fare against the spread during preseason. Here's the latest.
Puka Nacua wasn't able to participate for the entirety of the Los Angeles Rams' joint practice with the Dallas Cowboys on Tuesday, and it's unclear why.
Notable news, notes and buzz from MLB's 2026 season.
Tech
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The app was banned from government devices in 2022.
A flight tracking service is suing Kalshi for using its data without authorization.
Zoom screen-sharing bug let people fully take over other devices on a call.
Abbott partners with Google Health for AI-powered glucose monitoring.
Most current models support at least two.
Thirteen authors joined a little-known Google AI study in 2022. Now they're facing backlash.
Modern iPhones reflect years of gradual evolution, blending new capabilities with familiar elements that keep users adapting along the way.
Disney+ will be the new global streaming home of Formula E racing.
Giving your controllers a good clean can help with stick drift.
The maker of Until Dawn and Directive 8020 says it's cutting jobs to ensure it remains sustainable.
Entertainment
President Donald Trump says the wild Air Force One switcheroo wasn't his call ... revealing the Secret Service and military told him to take another plane because of a security threat. Trump addressed the operation Tuesday, saying he follows the…
John Hinckley Jr. is still sending Jodie Foster his love ... 45 years after he attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress her. According to a preview for an upcoming interview on "The Mark Joseph Show" -- obtained by Entertainment Weekly --…
Liz Cho has filed for a protective order amid her contentious divorce from Josh Elliott ... but the request has nothing to do with her personal safety. The ABC7 New York news anchor asked the court to block Elliott's attorneys from deposing her on…
An Ohio mother and her two partners are facing murder charges after her 7-year-old son was found dead and duct-taped inside a closet ... with authorities alleging the boy endured horrific abuse before his death. Police found William Evans-Ellis…
The doctor who treated Lindsay Clancy as a psychiatric patient is firing back at allegations of medical malpractice, denying she did anything wrong while caring for Clancy. According to court documents obtained by TMZ, Dr. Jennifer Tufts -- the…
California bald eagle Jackie may soon soar over Big Bear once again ... with local officials considering several public tributes following the beloved bird’s death ... TMZ has learned. A spokesperson for Visit Big Bear tells TMZ ... officials are…
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman’s sister is asking a judge to toss the lawsuit he filed against her ... insisting her claims that he sexually abused her during their childhood are true ... TMZ has learned. According to court docs, obtained by TMZ, Ann…
Angelina Jolie's brother, James Haven, was contacted by his famous dad, Jon Voight, after he publicly came out as a gay man ... TMZ has learned. Sources close to James tell TMZ ... Jon, who has been open about his conservative views for years,…
Clavicular and his girlfriend, Lily Snyder, are calling in some help to work through their relationship issues ... and they've picked Woah Vicky as their counselor. A rep for Clavicular tells TMZ ... he and Lily have hit some bumps in the road as…
Christian Obumseli's attorney is explaining why his family approved Courtney Clenney's plea agreement ... and he says it's the first step towards holding her accountable. Larry R. Handfield tells TMZ ... Christian's family would have liked to see…
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