US News
• Jailed Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich denied detention appeal in Moscow • Putin visits Russian troops at military headquarters in Kherson • Watch moment WSJ journalist appears in Russian court
An innocent Walmart employee was shot after two men got into an argument at a Pennsylvania Walmart, police said. The suspected gunman fled before officers arrived
A Colorado federal judge ordered the NCAA to create a blanket waiver granting all 2022-class college athletes an additional eligibility year.
Catholic nuns sued New York over a law forcing them to recommend assisted suicide to terminally ill patients, and a federal judge blocked them having to comply while the case is pending.
Liberal podcaster Scott Galloway said New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani's pied-a-terre tax database amounts to doxing property owners, turning a tax list into a "wanted poster."
Cam Skattebo's backflip at Fanatics Fest had Giants fans worried after his leg injury, and coach John Harbaugh and GM Joe Schoen reportedly stepped in.
Former Latvian "Dancing with the Stars" contestant Roberts Nemiro was arrested by ICE after allegedly overstaying his visa, according to DHS.
Andrus Peat spent 11 NFL seasons with the New Orleans Saints, Las Vegas Raiders and Pittsburgh Steelers after being drafted in the 2015 NFL Draft out of Stanford.
ICE lodged an ice detainer against Jefferson Adonay Velasquez-Torres, who came here illegally from El Salvador in 2014 and is charged with two murders in Houston.
Francesca Hong, a Democratic Socialist frontrunner in the Wisconsin governor race, once called to cancel Thanksgiving in a since-deleted post.
Ken Jennings sarcastically claimed he received "written approval from the trans community" to keep his New York Times games subscription, sparking backlash.

Satire
PEORIA, IL — Authorities advised all residents to be on high alert heading into the weekend, following a sudden catastrophe that resulted from a local man failing to listen closely even though the menu options had changed.
SAINT LOUIS, MO — It was officially "go time" on Friday at the home of one local pastor, as he commenced his normal routine of psyching himself up for yet another grueling one-day work week.
DALLAS, TX — Citing extreme mental fatigue, local mother Sarah Jenkins made the decision this week to drop her children off for the first day of school roughly three weeks before the actual first day.
ALLAGASH, ME — Maine Senate candidate Troy Jackson reportedly converted to Islam as a way to evade criticism for hooking up with his cousin.
WASHINGTON—Saying the convenience of the quick but nutritious entrees could not be beat, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. showed viewers of his new cooking show Friday how they could create easy weeknight meals using ingredients already in their own bodies. “You don’t
CUETA — The people of Spain were reportedly horrified to see footage of tens of thousands of migrants illegally invading their nation, knowing full well that their country could soon become Minnesota.
The post Chicagoans Over 25 Urged To Shelter In Place Until Lollapalooza Over appeared first on The Onion.
The post Jared Leto Denies Sexual Assault Allegations Will Affect Career appeared first on The Onion.
The post Iran War Enters 6th Justification appeared first on The Onion.
TOKYO — Following a trend in the video game industry to stop serving women up for the male gaze, Ms. Pac-Man has been made less sexy for the modern-day remake of the classic arcade hit.
The American Red Cross warned that a critical shortage of blood could prevent those needing life-saving transfusions from getting them, urging donations from everyone eligible to give. What do you think? The post Red Cross Warns Blood Supply Alarmingly Low appeared first on The Onion.
SANTA MONICA, CA—Stating that they were looking forward to another spectacular and soul-stirring awards ceremony in February, the Recording Academy confirmed Friday that the list of artists not boycotting the Grammys was down to Meghan Trainor, Susan Boyle, and Sugar Ray. “While we are disappoin
CULVER CITY, CA — Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared on the beloved trivia game show Jeopardy! last night, only to invoke the Fifth Amendment in response to every clue.
The post Rockies Fan Opens Private Tab To Check Score appeared first on The Onion.
Spider-Man: Brand New Day opens in theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new film. Q: What’s the premise? A: The “premise”? Easy there, college boy. It’s a Spider-Man movie. You can leave your notebook at home. Q: Which comic book is it based on? A: Th
The post Baseball Hall Of Fame Displays Fossilized Skeleton Of Stan Musial appeared first on The Onion.
LONDON — The British government awarded its coveted "Women's Empowerment Person of the Year" to 8-year-old Muslim child bride Aisha Malik.
PHILADELPHIA—In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper’s Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a “sexless, bloodless” adaptation. “The first line of my translation is ‘Tell me about a kooky Minion,’ but t
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The WNBA announced today it would hold a special "Caitlin Clark Punching Bag Night" during an upcoming Indiana Fever home game. The official promotion was reportedly designed to lean into what league executives called "a beloved on-court tradition."
MADRID — With the borders of its territories overwhelmed this morning by tens of thousands of young Moroccan migrants, Spain turned to veteran Border Czar Kamala Harris for guidance as to how to stop the invasion.

Sports
Giants running back Cam Skattebo admitted Friday to sometimes doing "dumb things," citing his recent backflip at Fanatics Fest, and said he met with coach John Harbaugh.
The state of New York filed a lawsuit against Kalshi on Friday, accusing the prediction market company of running an "illegal gambling operation."
Spurs star Victor Wembanyama signed a new, long-term deal with Nike that includes a signature sneaker, sources told ESPN's Shams Charania.
CBS Sports has placed NFL analyst Tony Romo on leave following his arrest last week on suspicion of driving under the influence.
The WBO announced Friday that Keyshawn Davis will not proceed with challenging welterweight champion Devin Haney after declining the purse bid adjudication for the bout.
Travis Hunter is 10 pounds heavier than his rookie season but faster than he has ever been.
Miami landed its top-ranked player of the 2027 class in recently reclassified four-star athlete A'mir Sears.
FIFA president Gianni Infantino scrapped his proposal to sell stakes in the World Cup after widespread backlash, including from within global soccer's governing body, and a threatened boycott by European Nations.
Let's look back to when 32 NFL players kick-started their careers with strong performances in training camp and the preseason -- one from each team.
The San Francisco Giants are suspending payments to Harrison Bader following a scooter accident that resulted in a season-ending foot injury.
The Dodgers, as well as a few surprise contenders, have become major sportsbook liabilities ahead of the trade deadline. Patrick Everson breaks it down.
As FIFA doubles down on its controversial World Cup plans and countries threaten to boycott, the 2027 Women's World Cup could be the first major tournament affected. That's a problem for women's soccer.
It debuts in 2028, but it's already the talk of motorsports. Here's what you need to know about the fresh design of INDYCAR's new ride.
The former NFL receiver talked about a wide range of topics as new player ratings for "Madden NFL 27" came out this week.
So what's next for Germany's top players after the 2026 World Cup?
Now that Madden NFL 27 player ratings are out, who could play their way into the top five at their positions next year? We make our picks.
The 2026 MLB trade deadline is Monday, Aug. 3, at 6 p.m. ET. Here are the rumors, news and trades leading up to that day.
The Tampa Bay Rays placed star left-hander Shane McClanahan on the injured list with back tightness.

Tech
The impact will kick up a plume of debris so high, it’ll likely be visible through some telescopes. Astronomers will be watching.
The company appears to have built new laptops and a 2-in-1 for the Googlebook initiative.
Kalshi, which is headquartered in New York, has already been sued by multiple states.
Videos made with AI will no longer appear in Snapchat's public recommendations.
People had less than a day to make misleading Google Earth images with AI before Google pulled the feature.
The Pandora experience is different from the Spotify one most of us are used to. Pandora Premium is worth it for some.
As OpenAI and Anthropic employees grow quieter online, researchers at Chinese AI labs are flocking to X to explain their work, recruit talent, and shape the global conversation on AI.
Sony responded to widespread criticism of its plan to discontinue games on discs in its latest earnings call.
"Invisible" drones have been in the works for years, and researchers have finally designed one that gets close.
"It is a matter not only of customer protection, it's also a matter of democracy protection."
MAGA is loudly calling for the former White House chief medical adviser to end up in prison. WIRED asked legal experts to weigh in on whether that’s even possible.
Tired of vacuuming? Hand the reins to a robot vacuum.
Viral tales of good triumphing over evil are racking up millions of views. They’re almost entirely AI-generated clickbait.
An ad for Orchid suggests the AI agent can fix relationship problems by simply doing everything for inconsiderate partners.
Its latest Pro headset can mix between four inputs and has better wireless connectivity than the originals.
Feeling the pull of a new clean machine? We’ll help you make sense of Dyson’s whirlwind vacuum lineup.
Headphone jacks are endangered, but they’re not gone. Here are our favorite smartphones that still let you plug and play.
The company’s first headphones look very stylish and have great tactile features but underwhelm on sound quality.

Entertainment
A delivery driver who claims he was wrongfully detained at gunpoint in the Nancy Guthrie investigation plans to sue over damage law enforcement allegedly caused at his home ... and we've got photos he says back up his claims. Carlos Palazuelos'…
NBA superstar Paul Pierce revealed his huge monthly income as part of his battle with his ex, Princess Santiago. Paul filed court docs laying out his finances for 2025 and the first six months of 2026.  TMZ obtained the docs, which note…
Sid Wilson is officially out as Slipknot's DJ and keyboardist ... TMZ has learned. A source close to the band and with direct knowledge tells TMZ ... Sid was notified late Friday afternoon that he's been permanently kicked out of the band. It's…
Christian Obumseli's family has settled their lawsuit against the Miami apartment complex he and Courtney Clenney were living in when she fatally stabbed him ... TMZ has learned. Christian's family filed a wrongful death suit against One Paraiso…
It seems like Pete Davidson and Elsie Hewitt have got co-parenting Scottie Rose all figured out, TMZ has confirmed. The exes told us in a joint statement ... "We are cooperatively coparenting our daughter whose well-being remains our top priority,…
Linda Blair's residence was raided Friday by around than 70 members of law enforcement and other agencies ... and it mostly has to do with the animals she has rescued. Right off the bat, this was NOT a search warrant for any criminal conduct for…
Can you guess which influencer put her bod on full display?! It's a SKIMS Summer for this hot star who dressed in a revealing black SKIMS set, sharing a sexy selfie to her 10 million Instagram followers. Still don't have a clue who?! Ask her…
Adam22 and Lena the Plug have more fake legal filings to navigate ... because the mystery man who filed a fake divorce on Lena's behalf has also filed for a fake restraining order.  TMZ obtained a restraining order petition filed on July 23 in…
Olympian David Hearn was torched by U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro, who charged him with vandalizing the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool ... but now she's eating her words and dropping the case, because the pieces that came apart were caused by…
A central figure in Netflix's "A Toxic Love Story" told a federal judge Ian Diaz was still "a good man, with an even greater heart" after his conviction ... and revealed she had been barred from contacting him for nearly two years ... TMZ has…

Stocks

Weather
Location is determined by your browser
Location is determined by your browser's location settings.