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• Jailed Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich denied detention appeal in Moscow
• Putin visits Russian troops at military headquarters in Kherson
• Watch moment WSJ journalist appears in Russian court
Will Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu hold power? Israel's election becomes a referendum on Oct. 7 failures as no bloc secures a clear majority.
Operation Southbound Takedown recovered 29 stolen cars worth $1.14 million allegedly funneled through El Paso to Mexican cartels for daily operations.
Pat McAfee ripped the University of Utah over an Instagram video posted before "College GameDay," pointing to the Charlie Kirk shooting 40 miles away.
Body camera video shows deputies arresting Irene Miller at the airport after her four children were found home alone while she was in Las Vegas.
Brewers ride ridiculous, record-setting eight-run inning to dominant 3-0 World Series lead over Rays
Jackson Chourio's four-hit night and Robert Gasser's historic shutout outing powered the Milwaukee Brewers to a commanding 3-0 World Series lead.
Javonte Williams rushed for 155 yards as the Dallas Cowboys topped the Philadelphia Eagles, 38-21, on "Monday Night Football" in a key NFC East clash.
Cam Skattebo ripped the NFL over his unnecessary roughness penalty, saying he'll "play for free" if the league keeps flagging his punishing style.
Golden State Valkyries fans face a 9:30 a.m. PT tipoff for WNBA Finals Game 6 in Atlanta due to Hawks scheduling conflicts at State Farm Arena.
Apple Music announced Jay-Z will headline the Super Bowl LXI halftime show at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood, California, set for Feb. 14, 2027..
Brandi Kruse describes being forcibly removed from a Portland Thorns match for wearing XX-XY shirts while those who allegedly attacked stayed.
Satire
PARIS — Fiery riots across the country ended suddenly on Saturday when participants refused to protest more than 32 hours in a given week.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican strategists reassured voters this week that polls for the upcoming midterm elections only appear bad for the GOP if you look at them.
LEHI, UT — Content-filtering streaming service VidAngel announced a new, cleaner edit of The Godfather called The Goshfather.
HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Muttering “Oh shit” as she realized her mistake, media personality Kylie Jenner was reportedly panicking Monday after accidentally washing the $50 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra on a regular cycle. “I was probably supposed to use the delicate setting, but now the li
LANSING, MI—Urging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arrive in time. “Unfortunately, finding a stray tabby under a car and gently tying your ballot to it
PI-RAMESSES — Mighty Pharaoh (may he live forever) has reportedly released the Hebrews from their bondage after the land was afflicted by a plague of political fundraising texts.
ARLINGTON, TX — Cowboys fans expressed growing concern this week that another regular-season loss could jeopardize the team's opportunity to suffer a humiliating collapse in the first round of the playoffs.
LOS ANGELES, CA — A single raindrop fell from the sky Monday morning, triggering widespread panic and causing millions of Californians to immediately drive their cars off nearby cliffs.
BRASILIA — After a late-night ballot dump and several emergency court rulings, Joe Biden was declared the surprise winner of Brazil's presidential election, securing 81 million votes.
As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle. Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate, Michigan): Republicans find out how much juic
Ultra-wealthy families are constructing luxury doomsday bunkers with amenities ranging from gyms and spas to meditation rooms and movie theaters, the boom coming amid the backdrop of growing geopolitical turmoil and the rise of AI. What do you think?
The post Luxury Doomsday Bunkers Gain Popularity
NEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising job candidates to send their interviewer a follow-up blackmail. “Applicants often worry they’
SAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at Target. “Well, I guess that’s decades of
The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think?
The post CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus appeared first on The Onion.
With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet. Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like “flavor.” Buy fresh, frozen, or canned jerky.
CLIVE, IA—In an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. “In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in becoming Powerball winners, we’re asking t
BURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’ The Batman, unless they decided it actually was. “With so much confusion over the large-scale
Sports
Liverpool midfielder Alexis Mac Allister has admirers at Real Madrid, while the Reds line up potential replacements. Transfer Talk has the latest.
After a four-hit Game 3, Chourio is setting a new standard for young players in October.
Williams rushed for a career-high 155 yards and added a touchdown for Dallas.
Golden State's defense and 6-foot-3 center Kiah Stokes led the way in a 64-55 win for a 3-2 lead in the WNBA Finals.
The Super Bowl headliner's catalog is packed with sports references -- here are the ones that top our list.
After a 10-1 demolition of the Rays at Tropicana Field, the Brewers are one win away from celebrating their franchise’s first World Series title.
With Hov headed to SoFi Stadium's halftime stage in Los Angeles, we revisit the breadcrumbs that might have pointed us there.
Jaylen Brown denied a report that he demanded a trade from the Boston Celtics or gave them a list of demands, according to a representative from Brown's team.
A Florida youth soccer organizer called police this past weekend to remove the family of a 3-year-old boy who the organizer said was pushing other players.
Jay-Z will be the featured performer for the halftime festivities on Feb. 14 at SoFi Stadium in Inglewood, California.
Dream head coach Karl Smesko blasted refs for missing what he called a "ridiculous" amount of contact on Angel Reese in Monday night's Game 5 loss.
The Rays didn't do themselves any favors by making some unfamiliar decisions in what felt like a must-win Game 3.
The 49ers remain the Super Bowl favorites despite their first loss, while the Cowboys are rising. Check out the latest Super Bowl odds after Week 7.
The Milwaukee Brewers took a 3-0 World Series lead on Monday night, and their fans were all over Tropicana Field.
See the latest NFL postseason odds after Week 7.
NFL Week 7 Highs and Lows: The Giants and Rams break out offensively, while the Seahawks' suffocating defense locks down the Chiefs.
Milwaukee Brewers lifer Brandon Woodruff did not have an easy road back to the mound for Game 3 of the World Series.
Our weekly look at the league's best players starts with the Cincinnati quarterback, who threw four touchdowns in the second half vs. Ravens.
Two Brewers top the board, with not much competition in tow. See the latest odds.
The Cowboys won on Monday night, but it wasn't pretty. Here are our takeaways.
Tech
OpenAI said its models generated proof that the Exponential Time Hypothesis is false. It also released new results for math and physics problems.
Lockdown Mode enables extreme protections for those most at risk, but it's overkill for most people.
You might be surprised at the rankings of some streaming services when it comes to what Americans watch on their TVs.
You can do more than charge your controllers with the USB ports on your PS5. Here are some of the possibilities.
Camera app Halide released a new update for the iPhone Duo that adds three different shooting modes based on what position the foldable is in.
Months after Elon Musk declared that the xAI model would outclass Christopher Nolan’s mythological epic, the bot itself admitted defeat.
Charging behaviors and heat are the things to pay attention to.
An iPhone Duo can become even more expensive if you have to repair it, so it's vital to plan for that ahead of time.
Anthropic’s S-1 filing is hundreds of pages long—and it leaves out quite a few financial details. “Anthropic owes investors more information,” one analyst tells WIRED.
The powerful Dyson V16 Piston Animal and other Dyson vacuums and tools are discounted until Halloween.
Avoid the scariest thing this Halloween (your phone at 1 percent) with Anker's 20 percent off sale on all charging gear.
Apple has rolled out software updates for all its platforms today.
Track down your suitcase, car keys, and other essentials with this $23 Bluetooth tracker.
Developer Sucker Punch just released a well-received expansion for Ghost of Yōtei a few weeks ago.
Impacted users can contact AppleCare for a replacement.
The Edge is a welcome upgrade for longtime Fitbit users, but the missing NFC technology is a puzzling regression.
Anthropic thinks “closing the loop” is the best path to AI triumph—and a recipe for “existential” threats to humanity.
Anthropic on Monday filed documents ahead of a blockbuster IPO that offers insight into the company’s financials, risk factors, and views on the future of AI.
Two US senators say the Trump administration is breaking the law by withholding the FISA court decision while it presses Congress to renew America’s most sweeping surveillance program.
Entertainment
Paul Pierce claims he is "tapped out" financially while trying to keep up with his court-ordered support payments ... due to him no longer receiving income from Fox Sports ... TMZ has learned. According to court docs, obtained by TMZ, Paul claims…
Chris Appleton and Ed Westwick are lookin' scary hot in these shirtless selfies ... which simply begs the question: Who'd you rather?! Tis the season for getting spooky 'n shredded, and these celebs certainly delivered. Just look at them -- you can…
Before this lil' cutie from Thousand Oaks, California turned into a professional singer, she was just throwin' on her fairy wings and teaching herself how to play piano and guitar ... She started singing at just 7 years old. She's probably best…
Erika Eleniak is making some serious waves on OnlyFans ... 'cause the former "Baywatch" star has raked in nearly $300K in just three months, putting her on pace to generate $1 million in her first year ... TMZ has learned. Sources close to the…
Jay-Z has officially been named the Super Bowl 61 halftime show performer. The music mogul released a statement confirming the news. He said, "Thirty years of music, work, and culture on the world’s biggest stage. This run continues to be a dream…
Taylor Swift is no stranger to "Bad Blood" and her induction speech at the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame was no exception ... because she's talking about her nearly two-decade estrangement from Brad Paisley. The singer was inducted by Paisley,…
Ric Flair already back on his feet after his big fall ... and he's already hitting the town with some serious eyewear. A couple photos of the retired wrestler are going viral, showing Ric out and about with his eyepatch tape all over his face. Ric…
Jacob Allen Morley's prison break just reached new speeds ... because the escaped inmate has been caught on video stealing a Ford pickup truck. The Tennessee Bureau of Investigation issued the shocking update Monday evening, posting a video of…
Camille Grammer is putting her ex-husband Kelsey Grammer on blast ... accusing the "Frasier" star of failing to acknowledge their daughter Mason Grammer's 25th birthday. The 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' alum took to Instagram Monday with a…
Gisele Bündchen isn't buying the chatter that Candice Swanepoel broke girl code by dating her ex-husband, Tom Brady ... 'cause TMZ has learned the two supermodels were never really close friends in the first place. Sources familiar with the…
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