US News
• Jailed Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich denied detention appeal in Moscow • Putin visits Russian troops at military headquarters in Kherson • Watch moment WSJ journalist appears in Russian court
A new Emerson poll shows Rep. Daniel Goldman trailing Brad Lander by over 30 points in his Democratic primary, signaling a socialist shift in the party.
"Lucky Strike" is an intense upcoming WWII film about an injured American soldier trapped behind enemy lines during the Battle of the Bulge.
Sen. Collins rips Maine Senate challenger Graham Platner over a resurfaced Reddit post mocking a Purple Heart soldier wounded in Taliban combat.
Trump blasts the Supreme Court over the birthright citizenship case, claiming the 14th Amendment was meant for babies of slaves, not birth tourism.
Authorities say an Indiana woman died after a physical fight with a fast food shift lead at a Tim Hortons in Fort Wayne over a drive-thru order issue.
An 11-year-old dog that survived ISIS and helped a U.S. Army veteran cope during deployment is now held at a shelter after a neighbor dispute escalated.
College football player William Davis, who transferred to Sam Houston State after playing at West Virginia, reportedly died of a gunshot wound to the chest.
Sidney Crosby says retirement is not on his mind, telling The Athletic he plans to keep playing and will discuss a new deal with the Penguins.
A married man says he's addicted to affairs, Taxi Driver writer Paul Schrader gets ghosted by his AI girlfriend, and Reddit shares its dealbreakers.
Expert says Nancy Guthrie's apparent abduction shows signs of a "wrench attack," where "mastermind" hackers recruit local muscle to carry out kidnappings.

Satire
LOUISVILLE, KY — Representative Thomas Massie has accused the Jewish population of rural Kentucky of being the cause of his primary defeat.
LAS VEGAS—His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week at the top of a step ladder. “Sometimes, when you get all the way up there and you’re a foot—nearly a foot and a half—off the ground, you start to los
ST. LOUIS—In an effort to meet the urgent needs of a country in the throes of a dire humanitarian crisis, sporting goods manufacturer Rawlings announced Wednesday that it had donated 50,000 baseball gloves to the Ukrainian war effort. “We knew we had to step up and do something for those whose l
MEDFORD, MA—Charting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen Z adults were moving back home for better access to Triscuits. “Our data shows that Americans in their 20s are increasingly going b
The post Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner appeared first on The Onion.
Well, well, well, it looks like that slick, glad-handing schmooze machine Bobby Hanlon, 45, couldn’t charm his way out of this one (leukemia). The post Bobby Hanlon appeared first on The Onion.
LOST HILLS, CA — New reports show the four old guys hanging out at Denny's at 6 a.m. are having a better day than you or anyone else could possibly dream of.
OVERLAND PARK, KS — The need for the construction of massive data storage centers has been in the news again recently, with the results of a new study indicating that 90% of data centers are just storage for your wife's pictures of the kids.
QUINCY, MA — Weary from a major smallpox outbreak in her area, the wife of John Adams claimed she was starting to believe this whole thing about a "Continental Congress" was made up by her husband as an excuse to go hang out with the boys.
BROWNSVILLE, NY — According to sources, local man Porter Caldwell was completely cured of his clinical depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders after his doctor issued him a prescription for a 7,541-piece Millennium Falcon LEGO set.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the nation facing its highest gas prices in years, the Trump administration assured Americans that it is but a small price to pay for accomplishing nothing in Iran.
CANNES, FRANCE—Glancing over their shoulders to make sure no one was watching them leave, the Cannes Film Festival jury reportedly sneaked off Tuesday to watch Mortal Kombat II. “Come on, no one’s looking, just go,” said actor Stellan Skarsgård, who ushered the rest of the jury members thro
FORT WAYNE, IN—In a potent reminder of the inescapably transitory nature of all that is or ever will be, reports confirmed Tuesday that the sweaty ass print left on a rowing machine at a local Crunch Fitness location was already fading away, much like all of our earthly works and aspirations. Acco
PASADENA, CA—Releasing the latest images transmitted by the robotic vehicle, scientists from NASA announced Tuesday that the Curiosity rover had found beauty in the mundane on Mars. “After more than a dozen years on the Red Planet, our rover has officially uncovered a peaceful quietude among the
The post Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo appeared first on The Onion.
The post Calves and Have-Nots appeared first on The Onion.

Sports
Starting with a big shakeup at the top, we rank baseball's next wave of stars.
This week's changes include the highest rankings we've seen in years for a few playoff hopefuls.
The Lions have signed Jack Campbell to a four-year contract extension, putting him under contract with the franchise through the 2030 season.
The star Eagles wide receiver became a husband over the weekend at Montage Laguna Beach in California.
Top-10 high school sophomore Kam Mercer has committed to Cincinnati, he told ESPN, while also planning to reclassify up into the 2027 class.
USMNT defender Chris Richards has suffered two torn ligaments in his ankle, Crystal Palace manager Oliver Glasner said Thursday, just five days before the U.S. roster is named for the 2026 World Cup.
Florida center Rueben Chinyelu decided Thursday he will return to the Gators for his senior season after removing his name from the NBA draft.
Dylan Harper suffered a right hamstring injury during the Spurs' loss to the Thunder in Game 2 of the Western Conference finals.
NASCAR Cup Series driver Kyle Busch will not compete in Sunday's Coca-Cola 600 at Charlotte Motor Speedway after being hospitalized as the result of a severe illness.
The University of Georgia men's basketball program is getting a $10 million boost from the founder of one of the nation's largest daily fantasy sports companies.
Compare the best DFS apps for 2025. Explore reviews of UnderDog, DraftKings, Sleeper, and more, including bonuses, features, and contest types.
Compare the best sports betting apps and sites for 2026. See reviews, bonuses, and features to help choose the right sportsbook for your needs.
New Cleveland Browns head coach Todd Monken revealed that he still hasn't met "face-to-face" with superstar DE Myles Garrett.
DraftKings Daily Grand Slam Promo: Win a Share of $250,000 if You Correctly Predict a Grand Slam.
We're tracking notable injuries, news and happenings across men's and women's college basketball during the 2025-2026 season.
Fanatics Sportsbook Promo: 10 x $100 Bet Matches In FanCash. New customers get a 100% bet match up to $100 in FanCash for 10 days.
Chris “The Bear" Fallica shares his favorite 2026 FIFA World Cup futures, including Golden Boot and quarterfinal picks.
The Dodgers bested the Padres in their first head-to-head series of the season. Here are my four takeaways.

Tech
Meta settled a highly-watched school district lawsuit, but still faces many more.
We love this brand’s stylish storage lockers, and there's a big sale on eight colors through the end of the month.
The hackathon, held to build user-auditing tools for Palantir customers, comes as the company struggles to address employee concerns over its relationship with ICE.
Spotify podcasts are getting the personalized AI slop treatment.
Premium Spotify users in the US might start getting a shot at reserved concert tickets.
The company is making it easier for manufacturers to make more Gemini-powered smart devices.
The impending arrival of El Niño will help keep the number of storms low. But it only takes one landfall to create a catastrophe.
I used the Gemini app to generate lifelike videos featuring a digital clone of myself. Google sees this as the future of creation. I’m still creeped out.
After the Trump administration turned away from electrification, two of the nation’s biggest governments will advocate for more electric vans, police cars, and eventually, snowplows.
Google's new AI features capitalize on the popularity of voice dictation, and a desire to leave the thinking to AI.
Here are the best meal kits in 2026, including Martha Stewart’s delivery box, a GLP-1–supportive plan, and a budget-friendly option.
Need to schlep some stuff? These field-tested duffels can handle your baggage.
Whether you need a portable, around-the-house entertainment center or a full-on laptop replacement, these are the best Android tablets.
A svelte smart ring can track important activity, sleep, and health metrics. Plus—unlike most smartwatches—it doesn’t need to be charged every day.
Feeling the pull of a new clean machine? We’ll help you make sense of Dyson’s whirlwind vacuum lineup.
Airbnb is adding thousands of boutique hotels, new services and experiences to its app.
The e-paper slate has a built-in voice recorder to save you having to take meeting minutes.

Entertainment
Mackenzie Shirilla wanted to testify in her murder trial, and she planned to tell the jury she was the third victim in a car crash that killed her then-boyfriend and their pal ... at least that's what she told her mom in a phone call from jail. In…
Gabbie Gonzalez, her dad, and her boyfriend wanted proof Jack Avery was dead, prosecutors claim ... and allegedly asked for it in the form of his pinky finger. The influencer accused of conspiracy to commit murder appeared in court for her…
Britney Spears took more than 3 minutes to pull over once she was hit with police lights during her DUI arrest ... and the wild moment was all captured on highway patrol cameras. In the alarming CHP footage, obtained by TMZ, it took Brit several…
Another star has weighed in on Spencer Pratt running for L.A. mayor ... and it's none other than Gabrielle Union. TMZ caught up with the actress Wednesday as she left The Abbey's 35th anniversary party ... and of course, we had to get her thoughts…
We're seeing the moment Britney Spears tried -- and failed -- taking a sobriety test and was cuffed by cops during her DUI bust ... in new video obtained by TMZ. We've obtained dashcam footage from Britney's March 4 arrest ... which shows cops…
Bre Tiesi's waving goodbye to Chelsea Lazkani as she rides off from "Selling Sunset" ... and wishing her well too -- just nowhere near The Oppenheim Group. We caught up with Bre in Los Angeles and asked about the major cast shakeup ... which saw…
Kylie Jenner's BFF Stassie Karanikolaou and influencer Victoria Villarroel -- Kylie's former personal assistant -- are both rockin' matching white robes with red trim, but which sexy star is grabbin' the win ... and whose laid back look is a bit…
Chrishell Stause just took some nasty jabs at Katharine McPhee on the heels of her and husband David Foster endorsing Spencer Pratt for Los Angeles mayor ... but sources close to Katharine and David are firing back. A source close to the couple…
President Trump won't commit to attending his own son's wedding. Trump was asked Thursday about going to Donald Trump Jr. and Bettina Anderson's destination wedding in the Bahamas, and he told reporters he might be too busy to attend. POTUS made it…
We want you to be a part of TMZ, so every weekday, between 10:30 AM and 12:00 PM PT, we take you inside our newsroom via live stream. You never know what you're gonna get ... a big story that breaks, an argument erupts in the room, or our producers…

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