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• Jailed Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich denied detention appeal in Moscow
• Putin visits Russian troops at military headquarters in Kherson
• Watch moment WSJ journalist appears in Russian court
Jerry Jones slammed the table after Dak Prescott's late interception sealed the Dallas Cowboys' shocking 24-16 home loss to the 0-4 Buccaneers.
President Donald Trump's new White House committee will hear mortgage fraud allegations against Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook in a closed hearing.
Popular San Diego chef unmasked as fugitive wanted in Iowa woman's kidnapping, shooting: US Marshals
Brian Anthony Williams allegedly hid as a popular chef at Miss B's Coconut Club in San Diego for years before a media appearance tipped off authorities.
College football's ACC matchup features Florida State's Ashton Daniels against Louisville's Lincoln Kienholz in a key battle for bowl game positioning.
A group of retired friends from Los Angeles turned a Tuscaloosa trip for Alabama-Georgia into a wild four-games-in-six-days sports adventure.
Moms for Liberty's new AI tool called M4L AWARE scans school board agendas across 13,000 districts every 12 hours, flagging DEI and gender policies.
Jim Jordan's committee names illegal immigrants accused of violent crimes whose ICE detainers were allegedly ignored in both Denver and Boulder.
California's Prop 39 voter ID ballot guide draws backlash online for its politically charged language, including a reference to "MAGA billionaires."
"Pretty Little Liars" star Keegan Allen shared graphic video of his bloodied face after two armed men robbed him at gunpoint in West Hollywood.
Josh Pate's JP Poll ranked Florida ahead of Missouri despite the Tigers' blowout win, sparking outrage from fans who misunderstand the system.
Satire
GREENSBORO, NC—Growing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. “His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were always immaculate,” said Fuller, reminis
WASHINGTON—Vowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity Thursday. “Let me say this loud and clear: Failing
Sixteen years after the release of The Social Network, follow-up film The Social Reckoning is coming to theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sequel. Q: Who’s the writer and director? A: Aaron Sorkin and, unfortunately, Aaron Sorkin. Q: What’s it about? A: As fans will
DNA analysis of a lock of Thomas Jefferson’s hair has provided the strongest genetic evidence yet that he did in fact father at least one child with the enslaved woman Sally Hemings, as has long been speculated. What do you think?
The post DNA Provides More Evidence Thomas Jefferson Fathered Chi
EGYPT — Zaphenath-paneah, also called Joseph, successfully rescued the land from the grip of severe famine this week after wisely advising Pharaoh to stock up on emergency food buckets from My Patriot Supply.
PITTSBURGH, PA — Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers decided to give up the psychedelic ayahuasca after getting sacked last Sunday by Big Bird.
FRAMINGHAM, MA — In a surprising twist on a popular home décor motif, the home furnishing retail chain HomeGoods was now selling signs that read, "Live, Laugh, Strangle Your Kids If You're Sad, Love."
TULSA, OK — Eyewitnesses at a local Teppanyaki steakhouse sat with growing anticipation on Thursday after observing head chef Hiroshi Tanaka smiling slyly as he clearly had something clever planned for the onion he had in his hand.
ITHACA, NY—In an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastily announced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. “We determined that the best way forward was a clean start with total rebranding, and i
U.S. — After a terrorist attack on the Mall of America was narrowly thwarted yesterday, experts warned that terrorist activity could spread beyond Minneapolis to the United States of America.
The post Christa Pike Sentenced To Lifetime Execution appeared first on The Onion.
SCRANTON, PA — After years of failed attempts, local man Paul Foster finally found a perfectly ripe avocado at the grocery store, only to be tragically killed in a car crash on the way home.
This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months. Apple v. Epic Games : The suit over Apple’s App Store fees will be the first Supreme Court
PARIS — French leaders came up empty-handed on Thursday after spending several days searching for someone in the rioting mob to surrender to.
SEATTLE—In an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. “Stop by any Starbucks between 8 and 9 a.m. to enjo
HOULTON, ME—Saying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts. “I’m really annoyed that we’re having th
Sports
With Georgia-Alabama, major challenges for Big Ten unbeatens and some Big 12 chaos, there's a lot to follow.
The Bruins are off to a 4-0 start, and it doesn't seem as if Bob Chesney is stepping off the gas any time soon.
Bears vs. Packers? 49ers vs. Seahawks? There are 14 more games in Week 5, and we have picks, predictions and more for all of them.
Scoring too early and kicking the ball into the end zone can be costly, as the Cowboys learned.
Who are the best quarterbacks in the 2027 draft class? We sized up the top 15, including Arch Manning, Dante Moore, Trinidad Chambliss and Darian Mensah.
The Knicks have said they are tabling contract extension talks with Karl-Anthony Towns and Josh Hart "until later in the season and will remain solely focused on preparing for the start of the season."
The Panthers are expecting forward Brad Marchand to miss about six weeks with his left leg injury, a timeline that coincides with Aleksander Barkov being out six to eight weeks.
The Jets, coming off a historically poor performance, will be without two of their top playmakers in RB Breece Hall and WR Adonai Mitchell vs. the Browns.
Jose Ramirez delivered again, homering and driving in three runs Thursday night to help the Guardians beat the White Sox 9-5 to send their ALDS to a decisive Game 5.
Novak Djokovic was knocked out of the Shanghai Masters after a shock second-round loss to Hubert Hurkacz on Friday.
Detroit Lions defensive coordinator Kelvin Sheppard gave an emotional message to his struggling unit.
Mike Ditka, who won NFL titles as a player and coach with the Chicago Bears, has died at age 86.
Check out the odds for every Week 5 matchup in the NFL.
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Tech
If you guessed the RAMpocalypse is involved...
Staying in the tech-infused trailer can kind of feel like being in a spaceship - in a good way.
The Justice Department is considering a perjury and obstruction-of-justice case against Cassidy Hutchinson, a former White House aide who testified against Donald Trump to the January 6 committee.
Apple’s original music player got many things right. Chief among them: It didn’t connect to the internet.
Astronomers used the Webb telescope to see where the farthest fast radio burst we've ever seen had come from.
The company is reportedly rebooting its smart home ambitions with a smart display and a whole bunch of other accessories.
Anthropic is offering open-source projects a new way to check for vulnerabilities with its OSS Scanner.
Relationship coaches, TikTokers, and disgruntled singles alike frequently shame bad profiles, as more apps experiment with blocking screenshots.
Apple’s Mac desktops have become some of the most sought-after computers this year, driven by surging interest in agentic AI. Here’s which model to buy depending on your use case.
Netflix releases trailer for its miniseries about Sam Bankman-Fried's scandal-ridden crypto exchange
Watch the trailer for Netflix's The Altruists, a mini-series about the rise and fall of cryptocurrency exchange FTX.
It’s finally time to ditch the gas canister—I tested these cordless leaf blowers on gravel, wood chips, and even a 5-pound concrete paver.
In its 26th season premiere, the procedural legal drama paints a damning picture of power-mad AI CEOs.
Meta has placed a complete ban on ads and marketing from TikTok's US minority owner, ByteDance.
Castelion—a next-generation defense tech company—is building a facility in Rio Rancho Estates that documents show could pose a major fire and chemical hazard to neighboring communities.
Demand is so high that some used cars are selling for more than new ones.
SpaceX has revealed its plans to become a major mobile carrier.
Three OpenAI researchers said their firings may have a 'chilling' effect on employees.
Tax season doesn’t have to be stressful. Score 10% off full service expert on federal tax filings and more exclusive TurboTax discount codes on WIRED.
Find the best Instacart promo code for massive savings in October 2026.
The wait to (literally) get your hands on the tech may almost be over.
Entertainment
Maybe Ben Affleck needs to turn off his proximity chat ... because he gets in fights with kids when he's gaming. Ben admitted to Jason and Travis Kelce on their "New Heights" podcast that he often gets badly beaten by the youth when he's playing…
Elena Katherine Moore's cause of death is about to be announced by local authorities in South Carolina ... and TMZ is streaming live. The Lexington County Coroner's office announced that officials will reveal the cause and manner of the personal…
Braveone Jones -- the attempted murder suspect arrested in a dramatic police raid at rapper Trippie Redd's home in South Florida -- allegedly opened fire on two men during a confrontation at a Miami restaurant ... according to an arrest warrant…
The Cornell University disciplinary committee expelled Jonathan Newell, a defendant in Jane Doe's civil lawsuit, because he had sex with her without her consent ... Doe's lawyer tells TMZ. Attorney Thomas Giuffra tells TMZ ... "We believe that [the…
The 14-year-old incest victim who was allegedly impregnated by her father may have run over their baby with a vehicle and killed "Baby Angelita" ... according to authorities. During a press conference on Thursday, county and federal law enforcement…
A Frontier Airlines flight turned into a wrestling match when a mechanical issue prevented tired passengers from getting off the plane ... and a male flight attendant got into a violent exchange with a woman on video. Check out the new YouTube…
Woah Vicky says her mom, Carla, has been missing for weeks ... she's asking the public for any information they may have ... and cops are investigating. The influencer shared a missing poster with a photo of herself and her mom ... claiming her…
Mike Ditka -- one of the most legendary figures in NFL history -- is dead. The Pro Football Hall of Famer's family announced his death Friday, saying in a statement ... "It is with profound sadness that we announce the passing of our beloved…
Dak Prescott heard some boos on the field, but never expected to get heckled walking to his own locker room ... but that's exactly what happened to the Cowboys star quarterback in the tunnels of AT&T Stadium. "Embarrassing!" an unknown person…
A plane in Ecuador skidded off a runway, fell over the side of a hill, and crashed onto the road below ... and the shocking moment was caught on video. Wild footage out of Cuenca -- a city in the southern part of the country -- shows the plane…
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