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• Jailed Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich denied detention appeal in Moscow
• Putin visits Russian troops at military headquarters in Kherson
• Watch moment WSJ journalist appears in Russian court
Alex Mealer, a Trump-endorsed Army combat veteran and energy executive, defeated state Rep. Briscoe Cain in a Houston-based congressional runoff election.
Republican Jon Bonck wins the Texas 38th Congressional District GOP runoff, putting him on track to succeed Rep. Wesley Hunt in a safe Houston seat.
Texas voters selected a Democratic nominee for lieutenant governor in Tuesday's primary runoff to challenge Republican incumbent Dan Patrick in November.
A Republican primary runoff in one of America's most conservative Texas districts saw a GOP strategist face a populist, MAGA-style challenger.
Texas AG Ken Paxton, endorsed by Trump as a "MAGA Warrior," defeats Sen. John Cornyn in the heated Republican Senate primary runoff election.
Comedian Tom Segura and Joe Rogan discuss LA's decline on podcast, calling some liberal Californians "delusional" for denying the city has changed.
Nathaniel Radimak, dubbed the Tesla Road Rage Driver, was sentenced to seven years in prison for a violent road rage attack in Honolulu, Hawaii.
Texas redistricting forced Reps. Al Green and Christian Menefee into an incumbent-on-incumbent Democratic runoff in Houston's 18th District.
Spencer Pratt filed a formal complaint accusing LA Mayor Karen Bass of illegally campaigning within 100 feet of a ballot box ahead of the mayoral race.
New research tracks how often reigning MVP Shai Gilgeous-Alexander falls during shot attempts, confirming his flopping reputation with hard numbers.
Satire
PROVO, UT — Local wife Allie Goodman told her husband that she identified with all five of the common "love languages," and she was not sure which one she wanted today, but he was just going to have to guess.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tragedy unfolded in the nation's capital again today, as multiple assassins attempting to kill President Donald Trump accidentally shot each other.
LA PUENTE, CA — Bucking years of tradition, the valedictorian at a local high school is reportedly not in any way Asian.
BETHESDA, MD — Results from President Donald Trump's 6-month physical at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center appeared to show that his midi-chlorian count is "off the charts."
MESOPOTAMIA — Local righteous man Noah was the recipient of a hefty fine from his HOA today over parking a large boat in the middle of his driveway.
VATICAN CITY — A new papal encyclical warning about the dangers of AI reportedly provoked an answer from AI language model Grok, which published 95 theses responding to the Catholic Church.
BETHESDA, MD—Complaining during his annual physical Tuesday that the narrow tubelike structure offered next to no room for socializing, President Donald Trump decried the lack of space to host parties inside an MRI machine. “It’s so cramped that maybe you can fit one or two foreign dignitaries
The post ‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly angry and pacing his office, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly shaking with rage Tuesday after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. “Ugh, it makes me fucking sick to think about some fatass floating through space making Americans look like pathetic slo
TUCSON, AZ — Parents of high school graduate David Simpson helped their son sound out the words on his diploma after the teen expressed frustration at not being able to read the words on the piece of paper.
CHICAGO, IL — The Chicago Police Department confirmed on Tuesday morning that every single resident of the city had been shot over the long holiday weekend.
Top-ranked tennis player Jannik Sinner arrives at the French Open on a 29-match win streak, having recently swept six consecutive ATP 1000 titles and completed the Career Golden Masters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the four-time Grand Slam champion. Height: 8-foot-6 (with tenn
Faculty at Harvard University voted to set limits on the number of A’s awarded to students, citing the need to curb grade inflation. What do you think?
The post Harvard Caps Number Of A Grades appeared first on The Onion.
The post H&R Block Location Mistaken For ‘Backrooms’ Fan Event appeared first on The Onion.
The post Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Chuck Schumer reportedly spent Memorial Day alone with his thoughts after having killed all of his backyard barbecue guests the previous year by serving them raw hamburger beef infected with E. coli.
BETHLEHEM — As Ruth was about to come pick up extra crops left for her in the fields, workers reportedly spotted Boaz carefully arranging stalks of grain on the ground to spell out "Hey Gurl."
PEACH CREEK, KY—Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren’t their intention, America’s simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t mean no harm to nobody. “We don’t wish no ill ’pon nobody, no sir,” said bumpkin spokesperson
The post Park Gazebo Celebrates 20th Year Without A Sober Person Inside It appeared first on The Onion.
Sports
The Chargers and Derwin James Jr. agreed to a three-year, $75.6 million contract extension, making him the highest-paid safety for the second time in his career, his agent David Mulugheta told ESPN's Adam Schefter on Tuesday.
Packers running back Josh Jacobs was arrested Tuesday and booked on several domestic violence charges, according to the Hobart-Lawrence (Wisconsin) Police Department.
Aces coach Becky Hammon didn't completely back down from her assertion that a player of Jalen Brunson's stature could lead a team to an NBA title, saying Brunson will have to prove her wrong.
As the Seahawks look to repeat as Super Bowl champions, they aren't talking about defending their title or "running it back."
Lane Kiffin's Ole Miss return with LSU in Week 3 this season looms as one of the spiciest moments on the college football calendar, but the Tigers coach generally deflected a question about the game while at SEC Meetings in Miramar Beach, Florida Monday.
Just three months from the 2026 season, David Hale ranks all 138 FBS programs' quarterback rooms into tiers.
USMNT coach Mauricio Pochettino said that he included midfielder Gio Reyna on his World Cup roster because of the player's "amazing talent."
The NCAA has denied Texas Tech quarterback Brendan Sorsby's request for reinstatement, putting his lawsuit against the NCAA seeking an injunction for his eligibility for the 2026 season into further focus.
Boston's Joe Mazzulla was named NBA Coach of the Year over finalists J.B. Bickerstaff and Mitch Johnson on Tuesday night, officially wrapping up the league's end-of-season awards schedule.
Alexi Lalas and Stu Holden debate Sebastian Berhalter’s spot after the USA's 2026 World Cup roster reveal.
FOX Sports' Joel Klatt lists 10 future college football matchups he would love to see if we get an SEC-Big Ten scheduling agreement.
Kevin Harvick opens up about his relationship and rivalry with Kyle Busch in the latest episode of Kevin Harvick's Happy Hour."
Wrexham's meteoric rise under Hollywood owners Ryan Reynolds and Rob Mac has seen the club dominate headlines across the globe, and now they are being tipped to chase the biggest icons in football history.
Which 10 players entering a contract year are set to breakout in 2026? We rank the 10 best candidates.
Green Bay Packers running back Josh Jacobs is facing five criminal charges, including strangulation and suffocation.
Here's the latest offseason buzz and rumors around the NFL.
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Tech
The Holy Father referenced The Lord of the Rings in his encyclical about AI—an expert (if unintentional) troll of tech billionaires who keep misinterpreting the series.
Hope you weren't planning to queue up for the PS5 launch window title.
The missions will deliver payloads to the lunar surface and test equipment from Blue Origin and Astrolab.
Pope Leo’s first encyclical marks an unprecedented alliance between the Church and Silicon Valley.
Bugonia, Good Boy, and Send Help are among the films deserving of your eyeballs this month.
In Magnifica Humanitas, the Pope decries the concentration of technological power in a few global players.
SpaceX is reportedly jacking up Starlink prices for the Pentagon.
Starlink is coming to (some of) American Airline.
Some internet connectivity is returning in Iran after nearly 90 days offline, web monitoring groups say. But it isn’t clear if the reconnection is permanent.
These weatherproof outdoor security cams keep a watchful eye on your property while you get on with life. Our list includes battery-powered cameras that need no subscription.
Whether you’re a no-frills backpacker or a bag-checking fashionista, there’s a perfect packing cube out there for you.
Jason Rezaian spent years reporting from Iran before being imprisoned by the regime. He says internet access is key to transforming the country—if only the US government would do something about it.
Our team evaluated a ton of toiletry bags to find the best storage, organization, and design options for all your essentials.
GoPro's Mission 1 Pro action cam has a big 1-inch sensor that offers sharp, color accurate 8K 60 fps and 4K 240 fps video.
Google’s latest Fitbit strips away the screen without sacrificing features, delivering the most approachable and affordable wearable yet.
The Fitbit Air is a serious rival to Whoop and other screenless wearable trackers thanks to its solid hardware, comprehensive software and competitive pricing.
Our first look at a complete version of Ferrari's upcoming luxury EV that was designed by LoveFrom.
This week's science news.
Among the indie games we've seen worth checking out is a puzzle platformer inspired by mental health challenges and turning failures into progress.
We put the Oppo Find X9 Ultra up against the Vivo X300 Ultra to see which telephoto smartphone reigns supreme.
Entertainment
Ray J is laid up in a hospital bed after getting knocked out in his celebrity MMA fight ... and TMZ has photos of him with all sorts of monitors hooked up to his body. In the images, obtained through a rep for Ray J, you see him shirtless and under…
Baby on board for newlyweds Jesse Williams and Alejandra Onieva!!! Alejandra subtly debuted her baby bump on Instagram last week -- which featured the "Grey's Anatomy" star and dad-to-be. The future mama shared several photos showing off her…
Mackenzie Shirilla's late boyfriend Dominic Russo sent her a chilling text message in the weeks before she killed him in a car crash ... talking to her about life being short. In the text message, obtained by TMZ, Dom tells Mackenzie ... "Kenzie u…
Welcome to President Trump's worst nightmare ... Rep. Thomas Massie shaking off his primary defeat by letting loose in the sand with fellow Trump-nemesis -- one Marjorie Taylor Greene. Sources with direct knowledge tell TMZ ... the Kentucky…
Martin Short was concerned after he hadn't heard from his daughter in over 24 hours, so much so that he called a friend to ask them to check on Katherine ... and then she was found dead. The Los Angeles County Medical Examiner just released…
NFL star Josh Jacobs is facing a slew of domestic violence charges after being arrested in Wisconsin. The Green Bay Packers running back was arrested Tuesday and booked into the Brown County Jail on five charges ... including battery, criminal…
Amanda Batula and West Wilson are ditching the drama and wining and dining instead ... enjoying a date night in Rome, TMZ has learned. We obtained video of the "Summer House" stars enjoying a romantic evening in Italy over a couple glasses of wine…
Abby Lee Miller pulled up to the TMZ Hollywood Brunch Bus ready to party ... and somehow left passengers with enough gossip to last an entire season of "Dance Moms." The chaos kicked off on Hollywood Blvd., where Abby rolled aboard the packed bus…
'90 Day Fiancé' star Kim Menzies may still be recovering from finding out son Jamal hooked up with her bestie and fellow castmate Liz Woods ... but looks like he’s already got another familiar face in his orbit. TMZ obtained these pics of Jamal…
A Nebraska pup apparently took "shotgun rider" way too literally ... because cops say the dog accidentally fired a real shotgun from inside a parked truck. The bizarre incident went down Saturday in Scottsbluff ... where police responded to reports…
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