Personalize Your Own Homepage
Login
Create Account
US News
• Jailed Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich denied detention appeal in Moscow
• Putin visits Russian troops at military headquarters in Kherson
• Watch moment WSJ journalist appears in Russian court
Trump warned FIFA against replacing Gianni Infantino, calling him "fantastic" as soccer's governing body faces internal revolt over private equity deals.
The Chicago Sky had DiJonai Carrington playing against the Seattle Storm on Monday night, as the WNBA has remained silent following her Flagrant 2 foul ejection on Saturday night.
President Donald Trump secretly exited Air Force One via a catering truck at the NATO summit in Turkey, boarding a smaller jet to evade Iran threats, according to a report.
Dr. Marc Siegel, senior medical analyst, says newly released Anthony Fauci text messages reveal he was "too dogmatic" and too slow to pivot on COVID-19 vaccine guidance.
Quinnen Williams agreed to a three-year, $105.9 million extension with the Dallas Cowboys, making him one of the highest-paid defensive tackles in the NFL.
Massachusetts joins nine other states in removing gestational age limits, allowing abortions up to birth, as Healey vows abortion will remain safe, legal and accessible.
A judge ordered the Zohran Mamdani administration to take down a list exposing names and addresses of over 900,000 New York City homeowners.
Mick Jagger's viral club video shows the 83-year-old Rolling Stones frontman energetically dancing under a disco ball to the band's new song.
Suspect arrested at Kim Kardashian's mansion after stolen vehicle, break-in reported in Hidden Hills
A suspect was arrested after a vehicle was stolen from Kim Kardashian's Hidden Hills mansion, which is currently under renovation and unoccupied.
Joe Burrow was spotted with Olivia Ponton on the Bengals practice field, drawing comparisons to Justin Herbert and Madison Beer at training camp.
Satire
MANCHESTER, NH — Local man Stephen Barnes returned home from work early Monday evening, exhausted after a long day of typing stuff into ChatGPT.
U.S. — The general public breathed a sigh of relief on Monday after it was revealed that a team of top scientists was hard at work trying to come up with a way to make the iPhone weather app even less accurate.
PLAINVIEW, TX — Local 40-year-old man Ben Gantry admitted that he had spent the past three decades chasing the high he first felt while seeing the cards bounce around the computer screen after winning a game of solitaire.
IRVINE, CA — The elders of the United Reformed Church of Irvine made the devastating discovery Sunday that an unscriptural hymn, entirely inappropriate for corporate worship on the Lord's Day, was unfortunately quite a banger.
TERRE HAUTE, IN — In a wholesome display of innocence, a five-year-old white girl reportedly told her parents how she dreamed of one day growing up to get beaten up in the WNBA.
U.S. — A new report confirmed that white people remained totally unaffected after a massive recall was issued across the U.S. for contaminated jalapeños.
LOS ANGELES—In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. “I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow filmmakers, but this film was largely made using humans,” said Roth, who confir
AUSTIN, TX — Senate candidate James Talarico announced on Monday morning that he would be following in the inspiring footsteps of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and electing to have his eggs frozen.
Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough savings to survive for the six days until you
The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think?
The post Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems appeared first on The Onion.
Why settle down in one place when the whole country can be your home? Grab your bindle, hop one of these boxcars, and you’ll always have a roof over your head and a corner to defecate in. Reference #368409
The post The Rails appeared first on The Onion.
PHOENIX—Horror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources confirmed. “My legs nearly buckled out from under me
NAPERVILLE, IL—Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker’s effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson, sources confirmed Thursday. “Well, Caleb,
WASHINGTON—With fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nation’s last remaining endangered species. “Who
CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together,” said Kr
Representatives of pop star and actress Ariana Grande announced she is taking a break from public life, citing “endless, ongoing public scrutiny” of her health and physical appearance. What do you think?
The post Ariana Grande Takes Break From Public Life Amid ‘Endless Scrutiny’ appeared fir
As late summer gives way to early fall, many Americans will head to the fair and seek out their favorite regional delicacies. Here are The Onion’s top state fair foods. Smoked Carny Leg Whole Branzino On A Stick Big Ol’ Gulp From The Hose Tums Egg Roll Tarred-And-Feathered Corn Dog Deep-Fried
Sports
President Donald Trump said in a social media post Monday that ousting FIFA president Gianni Infantino would be a "terrible mistake."
The Cowboys and star defensive tackle Quinnen Williams have agreed to terms on a three-year, $105.9 million extension to make him one of the highest-paid defensive linemen in the NFL, sources told NFL Network's Ian Rapoport.
Seahawks coach Mike Macdonald said Monday the team has interest in signing Terrion Arnold after meeting with the embattled free agent cornerback over the weekend.
The owner of Panathinaikos Basketball Club in Athens, Greece, says he tried to buy Nikola Jokic out of his NBA contract for next season and believes he can sign the three-time MVP when he becomes a free agent next summer.
Cooper Flagg's coveted one-of-one numbered rookie debut patch autograph card was found in Rhode Island on Monday night.
DiJonai Carrington says she never claimed that the assessment of a flagrant foul 2 on her in a game vs. the Fever was the result of white privilege.
A Little League team from Tulsa, Oklahoma, disqualified from the Southwest tournament due to an ineligible player, has been granted a temporary restraining order, according to multiple reports, and will play for a Little League World Series berth Tuesday.
Your one-stop shop as you prep for draft season, including rankings, projections and analysis.
A chaotic, inning-ending double play resulted in a 16-minute delay and a belated Red Sox run during Boston's 2-1 loss to the Blue Jays in Toronto on Monday night.
Jalen Duren, James Harden and others remain in flux as the 2026-27 season draws closer.
Major League Baseball has announced that the World Series will end in October for just the second time since 2020, barring rainouts.
New defensive coordinator Christian Parker has brought an infectious energy that the Dallas Cowboys believe will lead to better production.
Preseason begins for 30 of 32 teams across the NFL as teams finalize contract extensions, observe veteran workouts, and manage minor practice injuries.
After a close race last season, who is the early favorite to win the 2026 NFL MVP? See the odds.
The 2024 draft class featured six current starting quarterbacks, three of which have at least reached a conference title game, but there's one signal caller that stands out among the rest.
Notable news, notes and buzz from MLB's 2026 season.
The college football news cycle never stops. With that in mind, here's a tracker of offseason buzz across the sport.
John Harbaugh has ramped up the intensity of training camp as he tries to stop the New York Giants' cycle of losing, once and for all.
DraftKings Predictions review and promo code details. Trade $5 or more on CFTC-regulated event contracts and receive $150 in Predictions Dollars. See eligibility and terms.
See the complete 2026 NFL bye-week schedule by week and team, including when every NFL team has its week off.
Tech
Save on Petlibro essentials, including automatic feeders, water fountains, and accessories to keep cats and dogs fed, hydrated, and comfortable every day.
Enjoy big savings on your next adventure with our Booking.com promo codes, coupons, and handpicked travel deals.
Save up to 50% today with the latest Home Depot promo codes for appliances, power tools, and more this August.
Save on today’s top Skullcandy Promo Codes for Crusher Evo headphones, 36% off Crusher ANC 2 noise-canceling headphones, and more with amazing deals.
Upgrade your setup with Sony’s newest releases. Save on industry-leading noise-canceling audio, and pro-level Alpha cameras.
We've gathered all the top Valvoline coupons and promo codes for August 2026, including deals on full synthetic oil changes and other essential maintenance.
Get 20% off your next website, 10% off with exclusive Squarespace discount code, 50% off plans, and more top coupons from WIRED.
Stream your favorite shows for up to $80 off this month, and save on subscription plans with the latest Peacock TV coupons from WIRED.
Whether you’re looking to upgrade your mattress or swap out your bedding, browse our Tempur-Pedic coupons for up to $300 off and the best sleep of your life.
Whether you’re switching from springs to memory foam or just want to sleep cooler this summer, these Sealy mattress deals will have you waking up refreshed—and with cash left in your wallet.
Reference Image could be a new way to prove provenance in the wake of generative AI.
Amazon is unsurprisingly fighting measure to stop use of contractors for last-mile delivery in NYC.
New YouTube partners will now need twice the number of watch hours or Shorts views in order to qualify for a cut of ad revenue.
To get a decent cell phone at or under $100, you're going to have to get creative. Here's what to do.
Deleting old files before throwing a storage device away actually offers very little protection.
Magnets work the same whether you use an iPhone or Android device, but there are some nitty gritty differences in standards you should be aware of.
This is just the latest story of an AI agent going rogue.
If you've reset your Roku remote or got a new one and need to manually pair it, these are the steps to take.
According to Valve, European Steam hardware customers likely had some of their data compromised.
Wireless connectivity comes in many different flavors, here's how they differ.
Entertainment
Rep. Lauren Boebert’s son Tyler Boebert’s ex-girlfriend showed cops a 43-second video he filmed of her ... which led to his arrest for child sexual exploitation, TMZ has learned. Per a criminal affidavit, 21-year-old Tyler, who was…
Beyoncé is being dragged to court over an alleged unauthorized sample on her hit "Alien Superstar," TMZ has learned. According to court docs, obtained by TMZ, a company called Hirose Enterprise and a producer named Shuji Hirose are suing…
Riley Burruss says it's been a bit of an adjustment now that her mom's split from Todd Tucker is official ... but she says they're still cool. We caught up with Kandi Burruss' daughter in New York City Monday, where she tells us despite her mom and…
With jury selection underway in Tupac Shakur's murder trial, Reggie Wright Jr. is hopeful that the truth will finally come out. We got Death Row Records' former head of security to sit down with us ... and he's hoping the prosecution will get some…
"Dancing with the Stars" pro Gleb Savchenko's ex-wife wants authorities to find him and their teenage daughter ... saying she has no idea where they're staying in Los Angeles. According to new court docs, obtained by TMZ, Elena Samodanova says she…
Ousted Miss North Carolina USA Brittany Boltinhouse is gearing up for a legal fight over her lost crown ... with her attorney claiming she was targeted for her Christian faith and conservative political views. Attorney Patrick Mincey announced…
Chandler David Hendry has died following a three vehicle crash in Utah. The popular Mormon influencer and podcaster was involved in the deadly collision Friday morning in Lehi, according to local authorities. A spokesperson for the Lehi Police…
With a slip of a wig and a slip of the tongue, Toni Brattin is ditching her QVC slot for primetime with Jimmy Fallon ... and she isn't going to blow it this time! The QVC host is stopping by 30 Rock for tonight's episode of "The Tonight Show," and…
Reggie Bannister, best known for battling the Tall Man throughout the "Phantasm" horror franchise, has died ... TMZ has learned. Reggie's wife, Gigi tells TMZ ... the actor died early Sunday morning at their cabin in Crestline, located in…
Famed, record-breaking climber Jake Whisenant died from blunt force trauma, after falling during a climb ... TMZ has learned. The Tulare County Sheriff's Office Coroner tells TMZ ... Jake's preliminary cause of death has been determined, but…
Stocks
Weather
Location is determined by your browser